My sister (Lisa) decided we should take a “family vacation” at a place called the Fern Resort. I protested because I had just come back from Deerhurst with Jack and some friends a few weeks earlier, but my sister said “did you ever think we wanted to take a family vacation?” and guilted me into going.
Knowing my need to have “nice” things around me at all times, Lisa called and made reservations and requested that Jack and I have one of the newly ‘refurbished’ rooms so I would be comfortable in a newer more updated room.
After an hour and half drive we pulled into the long winding driveway of the resort. My mother could tell by my quietness that all was not well.
The resort did look like the pictures on the internet, only about 30 years older. The red roofs were faded and sagging in the middle, the baloneys were rusted and each came with its own broom so you could sweep away all the cobwebs and massive spiders.
As I got out of the car, slightly stunned, Lisa came up behind me and said “I know, looks a bit like the Bates hotel from Physco, but the kids will absolutely love it here.”
I thought, I wonder how much Jack will love this place when mommy forces him to sleep in the car each night with her as she sobs into her pillow….I spent how much money to come to this place?!
We were there for about 10 minutes when my mother said “well who’s up for the Casino”.
Then the penny dropped. The Rama Casino was about 5 minutes away!
We checked in and went down for dinner. What Fern lacked in physical appearance it more then made up for in speed of service. I suppose after being in business for 75 years as a family vacation resort, you pick up a thing or two such as small children need to eat immediately upon entering a restaurant, so a small buffet was set up for children consisting of the four food groups; hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken fingers and fries.
The buffet was set up to be about the height of a 5 year old, so kids could help themselves. When Jack realized that this was ‘his’ buffet, I think he shed a tear.
Once dinner was over my mom and sisters went to the Casino “just for an hour” while Emily, Jack and I went to explore the resort (all the while keeping an eye out for massive spiders).
We found the trampolines near the mini golf and Emms and Jack wasted no time in getting off their shoes and joining in on the fun while I surveyed the pagoda the trampolines were housed under and the millions of bugs that were dead or caught in some spiders web on the roof.
A young girl came over and started to talk to Emms and soon the two of them were jumping on the trampoline together “popcorning’ Jack (for the unknown, popcorning is when someone lies in the middle of the trampoline and everyone jumps around them and that person is ‘bounced’ like a piece of popcorn).
The kids finished up and then moved onto min-golf. Our new addition to the group was called Sylvia and she was sarcastic enough for Emmy and kind enough to Jack so she fit in well. Sylvia said this was her fourth year she and her family had vacationed at Fern; I responded “why, did your father continually lose some sort of bet?” Emmy shot me a dirty look.
We finished up at mini-golf and Sylvia announced that it was time for the ‘show’ so we blindly followed this 11 year old girl, she could have been taken us to the depths of hell…oh wait a minute, I was already there.
We got to the pavilion where the ‘shows’ were held, I think the place was called Lulu’s, and when there wasn’t a show on, it doubled as the bingo pavilion. I purchased drinks and a large bag of popcorn for the kids. As I waited for the girl behind the snack counter to come back with the drinks, I pulled out a $20 to pay.
“$3.76” she said.
“Pardon me?” I said as I stood there with my $20 in my hand. “$3.76” she replied.
“No, I had the 2 cokes and the large popcorn” I said.
“I know”, she said, “It’s $3.76”
Dear god no wonder they can’t fix the roofs or power wash the trampoline pagoda! They have a captive audience and have no idea how to screw people over!!
We found our seats and waited for the ‘show’ to start. It was a ventriloquism act, which at the best of times can be a bit of a sleeper, but this my friends was a bad ventriloquism act. I grabbed my blackberry and e-mailed my boss: “Help me; I’m trapped in Resort hell in what appears to be a bad remake of Dirty Dancing. I’m baby and someone’s trying to put me in the corner”
My boss e-mailed me back: “I loved that movie, sounds like fun, but I don’t remember a baby? Enjoy the dancing.”
At that point Jack turned and said “mommy this is a bad show, I can see that man’s lips moving”
When you’re sitting 40 rows from the stage and your 5 year old tells you the show is bad all you can do is grab your popcorn and leave.
My sisters and mom finally returned from their 1 hour jaunt to the Casino about 3 hours later and Jack and I settled down to sleep. It’s hard to sleep with one eye open because you’re afraid some massive spider will come and eat your baby.
The next morning we had breakfast and went over to the waterfront where there was a fishing contest for kids (catch and release).
Jack got his fishing rod (which was a piece of wood with a line, hook and ewwww worm attached). All the kids were lined up on the pier fishing and one after another they’d yell out “I caught a fish… I got one too….this makes my 10th fish”
Kids were catching fish left right and centre, all but Jack. 45 minutes into the competition and the girl next to Jack yelled out “I caught another one! This is my 13th fish!”
It was all I could do not to push her into the lake.
Emily was over helping Jack, but obviously she was an amateur. I stepped in. Jack and I attempted for 30 more minutes to catch a fish – nothing.
The girl next to Jack had left. She’d caught 22 fish and was exhausted. Infact when we looked around, pretty much all the kids had left. Lisa came over to me and said “do you want to go” I hissed back at her “you’ve taken me to this god forsaken place and we are not leaving until Jack catches one of these damn fish even if I have to go get a gun and shoot one and then impale it on his hook myself!”
Lisa went and got a fishing rod, stood next to us and began fishing as well.
Two hours into our fishing contest everyone was gone except us. The boy in the cabana wanted to go for lunch – but didn’t. Lisa and Emms had both caught a fish, and were now fishing away from Jack because according to me, they had both ‘stolen’ Jack’s fish…..then finally – he caught one.
I screamed “JACK CAUGHT A FISH!” and Lisa came running with the camera. Lisa and I then began to scream together, because the poor fish was flopping all over the pier and almost touched us. A little 9 year old girl named ‘Emily’ came over, took the hook out of the fish’s mouth and released the fish.
We gave her $5 and went in for lunch.
After lunch we went to the trampolines again. Why do we do that? What is it about eating and then desperately wanting to jump draws us to those damn trampolines?
This time they were empty (there are 3 mini trampolines under the pagoda). Jack asked me to come on with him and I obliged.
I can’t remember the last time I was on a trampoline – but sweet baby was it fun! I encouraged Lisa to come on as well so she did and the two of us were jumping around like idiots pissing ourselves laughing.
Later my other sister Jan hung out with Emmy, Jack and I (as Lisa and mom went to the casino). Jack wanted to go fishing again, so we went back to the water front, got his pole (or should I say stick) found a shady place with a bench for Jan and I (as I’ve learned this will be a long process) and sat down. Jan said “what are you going to do if he catches a fish? We’re pretty far away from the fishing hut where the guy bates your hook and releases any caught fish”
“Don’t worry” I replied, “if he should catch a fish, it won’t be for hours” and just then Jack yelled “I CAUGHT A FISH!”
Crap he did! Now I’m going to have to go and release this fish! It’s too far to get the fish back to the fish hut without it dying, and I can’t see a living thing die, so…so CRAP I’M GOING TO HAVE TO TOUCH THIS FISH!
I ran over grabbed the line, grabbed hold of the fish and took out the hook and released it. I did this ‘shudder’ dance and thought I was going to vomit. I turned to walk back to the bench (after wiping my hands on the grass) and Jack yelled out again “HEY I CAUGHT ANOTHER FISH”
‘YOU DID NOT!’ I yelled, but sure enough he did. As I pulled the hook out of this fish and turned to throw it back in the water Jack yelled out “AND ANOTHER!”
It all became a blur. I couldn’t unhook these fish fast enough. In the end Jack had caught 15 fish in total (in about a span of 30 minutes). Jack was thrilled, I stunk.
The rest of the weekend continued with fishing, swimming, eating. Everyone had a great time (well except for me). Lisa kept teasing me that my birthday gift was that she had booked Jack and I here for the next week, which made Jack ecstatic, me…not so much.
On Sunday morning Jack was sad. We were leaving after lunch and didn’t want to go.
My mom, Emmy and I took him down to the water front to fish one more time. I sat on the bench and watched as my little fisherman tried to lure the fish in. About 20 minutes into it and Jack still hadn’t caught any fish. He’d lost lots of worms but no fish. Finally he yelled “I GOT ONE” but in his excitement, he stepped back on the pier and fell in the lake.
Never in my life have I moved so fast. All I could think of was as soon as my feet hit the pier I’m diving in. As I got to the pier Jack was standing up in the water and there was already another mom on the pier holding Jacks hand trying to get him out of the water. The water was only to his waist, which I knew but somehow seeing him fall in erased that from my brain and I could think about was getting my baby out of the lake. I grabbed Jack and hoisted him out of the water holding him close to me. He didn’t cry but he was shaken and so was I.
And that was the end to our weekend, much to the cries of Jack who didn’t want to go home. We had spent a full weekend of swimming, trampoline jumping, fishing, falling into a lake, eating, watching very bad shows, drinking way too much pop and playing one giant game of checkers where you have to move the pieces with your feet.
It was time to go.
But don’t worry; we’ll be back next year.